As a kid, I was a huge nerd. I was big into science fiction and superheroes. I had the lunch box. The pajamas. I wore Spiderman t-shirts and collected Star Wars action figures. After seeing Jurassic Park in theaters, I checked out a book on genetics from the library and copied it by hand into a notebook so I could learn how they engineered the dinosaurs.
I was a nerd.
And it was hard.
Kids are mean, and being different made me an easy target for their cruelty. I was mocked, ostracized from groups, picked last in sports. Several times I was pulled into a corner of my school and beaten by bullies, going to the school nurse and then home bloodied and bruised. By high school, I’d learned to ignore my passion.
I stopped reading and collecting comics. I stoped talking about Star Wars and Star Trek. Never have I ever attended a comicon or fan gathering. I even avoided computer science entirely until after grad school. Though some of my friends played Dungeons & Dragons and similar RPGs, I stayed away entirely until I was an adult.
I was still “me,” but I was in hiding.
Discovering Community
Last week, I had the opportunity to take my kids to Disneyland for the first time. This was the same time as the final “Star Wars Nite” event in the park, so our afternoon and evening was filled with sightings of light sabers and Jedi robes and other costumes. The kids absolutely loved it.
So did I.
Though I didn’t have the chance to attend the evening event itself (tickets were sold out just before I’d made arrangements to be able to attend), being around so many other obvious Star Wars fans was quite an experience. Even though I wasn’t wearing a costume or wielding a light saber, I felt at home around people who seemed to enjoy the same things I do.
I felt the same way the following day when we had the chance to meet Spiderman in person1Yes. I realize this is an actor wearing a costume. We were in the happiest place on Earth so I’m allowed a moment to suspend disbelief. It you can’t accept that, this is not the place for you. at the Avengers Campus area of Disney’s California Adventure.
Having grown up being beaten for liking comics and Spiderman, seeing how his character is now a “big thing” in the world was refreshing. Watching my kids, who now love the comics as much as I do, absolutely light up when he gave them a high-five? I cried.
No one can take this feeling of relief and connectedness away from me.
The Tech Community
I’ve said many times before that I fell backwards into software. My intention, after the last time I went home with bruises and black eyes, was to never write another computer program again. Indeed I didn’t learn another programming language until a friend taught me PHP in business school.
But now I’m very active in the tech community. I write, I publish open source, I attend and speak at conferences.
Last month I missed out on being in person for the 2024 php[tek] conference in Chicago. I was originally going to speak, but had to back out at the last minute due to a family issue. It was painful, both because I had to cancel flights and lodging, but also because I felt that I was letting “my people” down by not being present.
I couldn’t quite explain why it was painful until last week, walking through Disneyland. There’s something about being around a community with whom you feel a connection that gives strength and energy and peace. I didn’t fully understand how to articulate it, even though I’ve also read Seth Godin’s book on the subject several times.
The tech community – PHP specifically – is just one of the “tribes” I’ve found where I feel I actually belong.
There’s a great deal of value in surrounding yourself with people who don’t look, think, or act like you do. This helps you learn to think outside of yourself, to respect and celebrate the differences in others, and to grow your character. But there is also a great deal of value in finding your tribe – the group of people with whom you connect on a deeper level.
Don’t put it off like I did. Go out – find your tribe.
- 1Yes. I realize this is an actor wearing a costume. We were in the happiest place on Earth so I’m allowed a moment to suspend disbelief. It you can’t accept that, this is not the place for you.